Saturday, November 15, 2008

There's no excuse for Lame-ness

And I'm not talking about the biblical kind. I'm talking about the loser-y kind. I just feel lame. You ever had that day, where you just sit and look at yourself and say "Well, is this it? Is this the best I've got? What did I accomplish today? A whole bunch of nothin', that's what." I feel like that today.
I think one reason is that more and more, I'm becoming less excited about my "big" 30th birthday party, and more apathetic. The reason is because very few people - not counting family- are coming, or at least have RSVP'd to come. I know, I know, - it's Christmas. It's unfair to ask people to choose between me and family or me and religious worship or me and an office party that was planned 6 months ago. I get it. And, normally, I understand. I've had to for 30 years. I never got to have cupcakes brought to school to celebrate my birthday because we were never at school for my birthday. I never could have a party on my birthday because- well, it's a major holiday. And you'd think I'd be used to it by now. But I'm not. I think what's the most depressing, if not hurtful, part is that of all of the people that I've invited only 9 have said, "Yep, I'll be there no matter what!" And 5 of those are family members (and husband). There are a dozen or so "Maybe"s, and some other amount of "Not attending". There's an ungodly amount in the "Not Responded" category, which hurts almost more than the not attending. At least with the not attending, I know how you feel or what you're doing up front. "Not Responded" just tells me "I'll get to it later." Of course, how shitty would I feel if, after writing this whole blog, weeks later some awesome surprise party is thrown for me. I'd have to write an apology blog. But what if there's not a surprise party? What if 9 people is all that really comes & instead of my super fun 80's/90's party that I've always dreamed of (lame, I told you), we end up eating mexican, getting some beers, opening some small gifts, and then hugging good bye? I guess it wouldn't be so bad because, really, it's about the people who DO show, and the fact that they are there for YOU. And I realize that I should stop bitching and be thankful and appreciative for the friends and family who want to celebrate my birthday with me even though they could be doing other holiday type things. For those people, I am grateful. And for anyone reading who's been invited and truly can't come, please know that, despite what this blog might sound like as you read it, I truly do understand and it's ok with me. This blog is for those people who say they're my friends, but aren't really willing to put into it for me.
I'm almost embarrassed by the selfishness and seeming arrogance of this post, but you know what? I'm sooo tired of giving to and caring for people, and getting jack shit in return. It sucks. But I keep doing it because, .....well, it's just who I am. I am a nice person, I do genuinely care about people. Besides, it's the right thing to do, even if it means you get stepped on sometimes. So, even though I might sound bratty and whiny right now, I'm not going to quit being nice and helpful to others even if they aren't the same to me. I suppose it's the TurnTheOtherCheek disease in me.
Well, I've got early Christmas presents to go buy. Please don't think I'm a hateful, selfish, conceited brat. I'm just letting off steam. :)